Anyone who claims to have all the answers is a fool (especially in regards to children). I can only speak from my own perspective and experience. This in no way is the answer to every situation because every person is unique. What this is, is a summary of what I've learned through personal experiences and from others around me in hopes that you find resemblance in the struggles.
Almost five years ago I married a beautiful woman with three beautiful kids, but the story and preparation for success began years before.
Know Who You Are
Like any relationship, whether it be business, friendship or family, this rule applies. Understanding and being comfortable with who you are makes communication with others a lot less messy. Insecurities can cause knee jerk defensive reactions that can escalate situations, be misinterpreted and bring more issues to an already issue filled table. Prior to our marriage, my wife and I were both in a place of self discovery. We became happy human beings who brought our best selves to each other in holy matrimony. No, we weren't perfect and still aren't We just became comfortable in our own skin and with our own perspective on life. For me, as a writer, that meant a lot of self reflective songs and poems. This writing aided me in understanding and relearning to love who I am. We all have pasts, good days, bad days and moments of self doubt, but as men we're taught to keep that to ourselves, but I'm putting it out there in hopes that it helps someone else. Put Your Wife First
A common mistake I've seen and at times am guilty of even doing is trying to be your stepson/daughter's friend. Let me save you from this trap with the honest truth: THEY DON'T WANT NOR NEED YOU AS A FRIEND. Now that we got that out of the way, allow me to elaborate. Whether they have a father that is active in their lives or not, you are the head of the house you live in. You share this responsibility with your wife and their mother. The hierarchy must remain in tact or the foundation of your family will crumble. Kids understand more than most people give them credit for. They can spot a weak link a mile away and you, as an authority figure posing as a friend leaves a massive hole in the fence. Your sole purpose is to love and support their mother. Teach them what love looks like. In some cases, this might be the first time that they've seen it. As any authority figure, sometimes you get to be the good guy, but more commonly the bad guy. Stand with your wife in the bad guy position instead of on the opposing team. Doing the latter can drive a wedge between you and your wife.Be Honest, Fair and Consistent
Honest
This step starts at day one. If you're already in a situation and skipped this step, then you probably have some repair work to do. Fake doesn't work with kids. They see through people better than most adults. Be yourself and speak positive truths to them. Depending on their age, share with them the struggles you've faced. You've signed up for a mentor role whether you know it or not. Act accordingly. Raise them to be better than you. Tell them where you messed up so that they avoid the same potholes. They'll respect your honest imperfections more than your disingenuous facade and a small percentage might actually listen and heed the warnings.
Fair and Consistent
If you've never been a 24/7 parent before, this is important information. You are going to get asked questions and find yourself in situations where you have to make decisions. There's no time to discuss it with your wife. You've been cut off from base and are surviving on what you learned in basic training alone. Weigh the options like we wish most courtroom judges would. Pros, cons, and track record all come into play. Understanding the reason for your answer prior to giving it goes a long way. I personally am known for having a default answer of "no" until proven otherwise. This allows them the opportunity to state their case as to why they should be able to do certain things. Quite honestly, it takes half the work off of me and I've found that it makes them better at presenting their arguments. Win-win!
Make Time To Get To Know Each Other
This part can be difficult, but the most rewarding if done regularly. My wife and I both have full time jobs, side businesses, aspirations, hobbies, friends, extended families as well as four kids including a toddler who always wants to be center stage. Making time to spend with each child individually can be taxing. Right now, we have two teenage boys who are trying to figure out for themselves who they are. Their hobbies change constantly. They wanted to be skateboarders. By the time I figured out the terminology they were on to scooters. By the time we picked out the perfect Christmas gifts, they were aspiring NBA players. Their hobbies may or may not be similar to each other leaving us, as parents, with the job of constantly playing catch-up. I've found that it's pointless and counterproductive to force them to remain the same for my own convenience. Instead, I try to listen to them and encourage them to share what they're passionate about with me. These moments are priceless. For those who have teenagers, you understand that ANY conversation where your teenager is engaged and passionate is rare and should be treasured. The communication keeps the relationship alive and makes the difficult conversations easier to have. I often find myself sharing with them things that I'm passionate about as well, this article included. What Do I Know?!? Not much...
As I prepared to write this article, I asked both of my step-sons what they wanted from me as their step-father. One shrugged his shoulders and made some inaudible noise that I think meant, "I don't know", while the other's answer was profound and shocking. He said: "It's simple; just be a father." He went on to describe what that meant to him and we discussed our individual circumstances, but that statement alone was amazing to me and I'm proud of him for voicing it.I truly do love being a father and I've been blessed. No situation is perfect, but raising them to be the best they can be is perfectly fine with me.
